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Imagine this conversation:

Vanessa:  Hey Justin! You look really nice today.
Justin:  Thanks Vanessa!
Vanessa:  Those jeans fit you really well. And your boots are cool, too.
Justin:  I love these boots. I bought them in New York City.
Vanessa:  Nice! Did you cut your hair? I like it like this!
Justin:  Yeah, I thought I’d try something different.
Vanessa:  Well, it looks awesome. That blue sweater looks good on you, too. Brings out your eye color.
Justin:  Wow, thanks. I never thought about that!
Vanessa:  That mole on your cheek, though.
Justin:  What? My mole?
Vanessa:  Yeah, it kind of messes up your skin.
Justin:  Huh. I guess.

What do you think Justin will do when he gets home from school? Will he remember that Vanessa liked his jeans, his boots, his hair, his sweater and his eyes? Nope. He’ll go straight to the mirror and examine his mole. And next time he’s around Vanessa, he’ll probably be self-conscious about it.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we filter out or even forget all our good traits (either physical or not) and remember the ONE bad thing we – or others – point out and categorize as undesirable?

This is actually quite common and is known as the Negativity Bias. It’s when more attention and importance are placed on negative experiences and information than positive ones. Negative events make a bigger impact on our brains and we can recall these events more strongly and clearly than other equally strong but positive events. Research has also shown that bad events wear off more slowly than good ones.

I watched this Negativity Bias unfold before my eyes like a train wreck yesterday morning. I was working at the boutique when a young lady, a senior in a local high school, came in with her mom, aunt and grandmother to try on the prom dress we had special ordered for her. The dress was gorgeous – a long black gown with beaded details on the top half and an illusion back – but it was not nearly as gorgeous as the girl herself. She tried on the dress and it came to life!

She came out of the dressing room and stood before the large mirror while our seamstress started pinning up the hem. I noticed her hands were tapping her sides – and then I saw her face. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. I scanned the sides of the dress where her hands were to see if there was any puckering or flaws that our seamstress could correct. But the dress was smooth. I finally asked her if it was the dress that was bothering her or if it was her body. She said it was her hips. She wanted to get rid of her hips.

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This time I wanted to cry. Some girls are naturally curvy – no problem. But this girl was very thin. The dress was a size 6 and we were taking it in for her. She had no hips. It was literally the curve of her body, and she wanted to get rid of it. I started pointing out her natural beauty, her slim body, her face, her eyes. I reminded her that the sparkles at the top of the dress would draw everyone’s eyes up toward her face and that her eyes held her beauty. I also told her – and I can’t believe I had to actually utter these exact words:  “Those aren’t your hips, darling. Those are your legs, and you can’t get rid of them.”

We all do this, don’t we? We gloss over our many strengths and assets and fixate on our one fault. Maybe it’s a legitimate fault – maybe we need to lose some weight for health reasons or see a dermatologist for skin issues. But why do we focus on the real or perceived bad and forget all the good? Even if our brains are wired for this, what can we do to combat it?

Match.com recently put up billboards in the London metro. One of them showed a girl with red hair and a freckled face, and the tag line read: “If you don’t like your imperfections, someone else will.” This is awful on so many levels. What if a ten-year-old girl with a face full of freckles walked by and saw this? Remember, our brains are more strongly affected by negative experiences. She may now believe she’s imperfect. And why does Match.com get to decide what’s imperfect? God placed every freckle on every face – I’m pretty sure He knew what He was doing, and I’m positive He doesn’t think any of us is imperfect, aside from our sin (for which He already provided a solution). Match.com apologized and agreed to take down the ads.

When I was in college I wanted to be an entertainment broadcaster. Specifically, I wanted to be Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight. (Yeah, yeah – you’ve never heard of her. That’s what Google is for.) My father suggested that, to achieve this dream, I should consider a nose job. Honestly, I didn’t flinch. I know my dad loves me, and the fierce confidence he instilled in me backfired on him when I shot back, “God gave me this nose. If it’s good enough for Him, it’s good enough for me and it’ll be good enough for you.”

We all have areas in ourselves we’d like to improve, whether physical or otherwise. Instead of concentrating solely on those areas, can we try to remember the whole package? Let’s not piece ourselves apart like a butcher who hacks up a cow to sell part by part. We are not pieces of meat. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, whole and complete, to live for and glorify Jesus Christ.

So go ahead and make improvements to be the best you, but base your “best” on what God wants for you. Not what Match.com says. Not what your father/mother/Vanessa/Justin say. Not even what I say. Fight the Negativity Bias by acknowledging the negative, but overwhelming it with the positive.

~ Silva

If you have questions or topics you’d like to see addressed in this blog, please email me at [email protected]. You can read more from me at my other blog, onmyshoebox.

To read more Style Session, check out Style Session No. 23 – #TBT Prom Edition.