After enduring three months of homework and stress, many students look forward to relaxing with their families over Christmas vacation. However, for students with divorced parents, the holiday season can be just as draining and stressful as the school work they are escaping.
The potential drama that is typically associated with having divorced parents has become relevant for so many people that Hollywood has begun using it for humour and entertainment purposes. The movie Four Christmases follows couple Brad and Kate, both with divorced parents, as they visit each set on Christmas day.
With more than one house in which to celebrate, junior Josh Smith says his family traditions have changed since his parents split.
“Before my parents got divorced we had a lot of family traditions,” Smith said. “Many of my extended family members used to fly in and stay at our house. We lived on a big ranch, and everyone came over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But since their divorce we don’t see those family members very often anymore.”
Because he is unable to see his whole family in one place, Smith says having a busy schedule makes seeing everyone difficult.
“As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten really busy,” Smith said. “This year I only got to spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family. Between school work and my job, I just didn’t have enough time. Having to pick between my parents was really hard.”
This situation can be hard on kids, but Smith says his dad stuggles as well.
“I know the situation is really hard on my dad as well,” Smith said. “My sister and I are the only family he has in town. When my parents were married people came in to see us. But now, if my sister and I aren’t there on holidays he spends them alone.”
Unlike Smith, sophomore Emily Daniel says choosing a parent is easy.
“I feel like both my parents put pressure on me to spend time with them,” Daniel said. “One of them definitely makes me me feel more guilty than the other, but for me it’s fairly easy to decide where to go.”
While Daniel is able to make her own decision, she says her brother does not get to decide for himself.
“One of my parents really wants my brother and me to go to their house,” Daniel said. “It’s not that hard for me to decide which house to go to because I am old enough to decide for myself. However, my brother still has to go where my parents want him to go.”
For Clovis High student Maddi McAllaster, ’13, this lack of control can be frustrating.
“My parents choose where I go for me,” McAllaster said. “It feels to me like I am not allowed to make my own decisions. I go along with it though because I don’t want to ruin any family traditions that actually continued after the divorce. I recently found out that my dad is moving to Texas soon, so this is probably the first time I have to choose for myself where to go.”
Because she switches houses over the holidays, McAllaster says the experience with her family is not as enjoyable.
“Each of my parents gets one day, usually my mother has Christmas Eve and my father has Christmas day,” McAllaster said. “It is so hard because even though I am used to it, I remember what it was like to all be together on Christmas. It is supposed to be a day to celebrate the birthday of Jesus and I have to celebrate with my parents separately. It kind of feels like I’m not part of a family anymore, but two seperate groups instead.”
Director and founder of blended-families.com Emily Bouchard says a divorce is often hardest for teenagers.
“Teenagers have memories of how everything used to be, the way they think it’s supposed to be. They remember when everyone had the same traditions,” Bouchard said. “And then all of a sudden they are asking themselves ‘who do I spend time with?’ and having thoughts such as ‘regardless of who I pick I’m going to be hurting one of my parent’s feelings.’ It’s a really hard place to be.”
While the holiday season can be taxing for broken families, Bouchard says there are ways to make the best of it.
“Parents and kids should try to make new traditions, do something different that you’ve always wanted to do but never tried before,” Bouchard said. “Something like that will promote connecting with the new family. It’s also a great way to get to know new family members.”
For students that find themselves stressing our over the holidays, Bouchard says it is important to communicate the problem to parents.
“Kids should anticipate situations before they happen, and think about how they can make this year better than the previous one. No one is given a training manuel for how to handle a broken family, so it’s important that everyone does their best to make things enjoyable. Kids need to talk to their parents and try to make the best of things.”
For more information, Emily Bouchard’s blended family Web site.
