Mourners of all ages gathered in the sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church on Feb. 27, 2010, one day after the senior pastor of my church, Jamie Evans, committed suicide.

Surrounded by some of my best friends, all with tear-streamed cheeks, we contemplated the situation, but mostly sat in silence amid sobs. We were utterly devastated, having our seemingly “invincible” pastor — the framework of our church — suddenly collapse, leaving behind his wife and two kids.

How could a man of such faith and leadership act so carelessly? Could he not see how many people he would hurt? Why did no one help him? What is next for his family and our church?

These were among the many questions that I struggled with from this life-altering event, most of them unanswered to this very day.

Ever since October of 2009, Evans had been absent from the pulpit. Our executive pastors and various staff members assured the congregation that his absence was not spiritual doubt, but merely a severe physical condition. We were convinced that he would return in a matter of time.

Personal reactions

When I heard of Evans’s death, it shook me to the core. Our senior pastor’s character was entirely selfless, and since his death, I have heard stories about how he donated cars to the elderly, picked up trash outside the sanctuary and wrote countless notes of thanks to staff, elders and deacons.

One thing I believe helped me process his death — and something I specifically remember discussing that night at the sanctuary — was that his death was practically murder. From depression, he technically was not himself, and, therefore, it seemed that someone else had killed him.

The scripture of 1 Peter 1:23-24 also impacted me that night. It reminded me that life is temporary and that even the most influential figures experience trials and failure.

Three months after the death of our pastor, the high school youth director, Greg Elhert, announced that he had accepted a position at a church in Greeley, Colorado. At the time, I was about to enter the summer leading into my freshman year, enthusiastic to receive God’s deep and heartfelt teaching. Enduring yet another blow to the youth group, and the church as a whole, seemed nearly unbearable.

My thoughts: Great. Seriously, God? Are you kidding me? Another influential figure in my life called away. I was angry at God for allowing him to leave us in our current state.

Start of recovery

Still wounded, my youth group went into the summer eager for a break. During this period, my church annually hires interns to run the entire youth program. We prayed that God would bring us some special people. Sure enough, two wonderful college students came, providing a change of pace and a time to step back from the recent events to take a deep breath.

During the weeks they were among us we experienced a bit of a spiritual revival. The interns brought back the lighthearted spirit of the youth group through interesting events, spending time with us, bonding on our annual bike trip and always treating us as equals. They even got me addicted to airsoft through intense late-night battles.

The climax of our youth group’s spiritual awakening, however, came at Hume Lake Camp. After a preacher’s heart-wrenching story, the difficult occurrence rose back to the surface. Nearly our entire youth group experienced complete emotional breakdown. Afterward, through prayer and confession, I finally felt as though God was truly in control of everything.

At the end of August, a short-term interim pastor, Reverend Robert Hopper, came to fill in for 10 weeks. His preaching style was straight to the point, and he used mental picture illustrations to pinpoint everything our senior pastor meant to the church.

The interns eventually left, and I returned back to the routine of school and homework, although it was difficult for me to imagine my life without our pastors. As time went on, things in the youth group settled down, and we began to see how our new youth director, Craig Blodgett, ran things.

Looking ahead

Our new interim pastor, Joel Eidsness, preached for his first time on Nov. 7. He seems to be a man of great wisdom, and I am sure he will bring healing throughout the congregation.

As a long-term interim, he will hold this position at our church for around a year and a half, which is how long it usually takes to hire a new, permanent senior pastor.

To this day, I continue to struggle with this tragedy. However, I am trying to see things through God’s perspective. Through this, I am learning to trust him with every aspect of my life.

For more coverage of loss, read the Nov. 5 article, Dealing with death: The Singh family story.

Editor’s note: Jamie Evans has appeared in a past article on The Feather. Current editor-in-chief Austin Ward interviewed him about his experiences with ADHD in the Nov. 14, 2008 article, LRC speaker shares educational hardships.

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