“If you were to drop dead right now, would you make it into Heaven?”
Pastors reiterate this question almost every time I attend youth group, in attempt to make teens ponder their relationship with Christ. Considering I have retained a good relationship with God throughout my life, this particular question never daunted me–until now.
During this past summer break I fell away from God, and for once, worried about whether or not I was destined for Heaven.
It all started the day I arrived at the beach with an old childhood friend from elementary school. Unfortunately, she is not a believer in Christ, which continues to be an issue in our relationship.
Despite this, we respect each other’s standards. For example, I usually refuse to listen to a lot of the music she likes.
But for 10 days during this trip, I displayed the complete opposite of my previously set guideline. I saw how much more enjoyable the time spent with my friend was when I lowered my standards, which persuaded me to continue doing so.
By the time the first week of my beach vacation passed, I remembered the many times I prayed for my friend’s salvation in the past, but did not notice a difference in her faith. Though it may seem over-dramatic, I started doubting whether God even cared about what I prayed for. My mindset soon became, “If nothing happens when I pray, why keep praying?”
Now because I disregarded God’s power and ability to answer prayers, I stopped praying all together. Christ then became my third priority in life, when He used to be the ultimate first. In addition, I lost all sense of conviction. Usually whenever I said something vulgar, or told a lie, God immediately put it on my heart that I did something wrong.
Extending past my 10 days stay at the beach, I hardly attended church while in SoCal. I continued listening to a lot of secular music, but it no longer seemed like a big deal. Listening to certain music, watching certain movies, making suggestive jokes and ignoring God soon became the norm. By this time, I subconsciously let the world control my life. I was chained to the world, and its “carefree” lifestyle”.
Near the end of my visit in SoCal, I felt empty and alone. I felt as if the “back bone” or security that I previously had when I was “on fire” for Christ disappeared, and I struggled to make it through the day by myself. During this time, I received an e-mail from the friend I attended the beach with.
She explained that she noticed a difference in my behavior and wondered why I did not walk out of the room when a movie became sexually suggestive, or shut off the music when listening to a song full of profanity. For once in the past three years, she actually acknowledged my faith, and looked up to me for my standards.
It was then that I realized God did in fact hear my prayers, and was trying to use me as a light to my friend. The frustration I felt toward God came from my inability to trust Him and His will. Slowly, I started feeling conviction in my heart.
As simple as it sounds, the next day I asked God to forgive me and place me on the right path again. I am happy to say that God answered my prayers, and my relationship with Him is renewed.
This past break taught me a life-long lesson: the decision to turn away from God’s will for my life was not a choice made overnight. I did not just wake up and decide that I wanted to turn away from God and live for the world. It all starts by taking the first step in the wrong direction.
Similar to most teens striving for a good relationship with Christ, I know I will struggle to live by my own standards, and not the guidelines the world wants me to live by. Fortunately, I know where I am going when my time comes, and until then, God is with me every step of the way.
