It’s time! Trader Joe’s aisles across the nation have geared up for the holidays by stocking up with tasteful treats. During the winter months, the beloved grocery store finds creative and tasteful ways to combine festive flavors, including candy cane, chocolate, peppermint, gingerbread, grapefruit and cranberry. Each year I embark on a justified journey, sampling my way through their new Christmas-inspired lineup to determine which ones are worth the consumed calories.

Let’s go taste test!

Dark chocolate dipped candy cane marshmallows 

The chocolate-dipped candy cane marshmallows are the perfect cure to your holiday sweet tooth. Fluffy with a good crunch, the juxtaposition of textures compliments the overall experience. The chocolate, usually an invasive flavor, is subtle and the crushed candy cane flakes elevate the experience adding the perfect hint of sweetness. One is all you need to quench your appetite for something sweet, but it is the holiday season so do not be ashamed to take another, or the whole tray. (There are only eight in the package.) 

Mini peppermint meringues 

These delectable delights were unlike anything that I have tried before, the texture was marvelous with a sugary crunch as each bite melted in my mouth. It was gone before I could comprehend the calories I was consuming, and I naively took another and another until it was too late. The container was empty, and my only regret is that I did not purchase more to console me after the first bunch was gone. 

Lebkuchen cookies

Every year since I started writing these reviews, there has always been one item I truly question how any person in their right mind can deem worthy of baking once, then a second time, much less approve of a mass production across the nation.  This year, unassuming victims like myself may stumble upon the abomination that is the Lebkuchen Cookies. And that, indeed, is what I was, a victim of cruelty unlike any other as I looked at the beautiful confection only for my taste buds to be brutally assaulted by the horrid creation.

As the Grinch once said, “Hate, hate hate, double hate, loathe entirely!” 

The first bite fools the consumer; the sugary layer masks the cookies true content, but as it fades the pungent orange and ginger filling ambushes your taste buds. The textures completely oppose each other as the tough communion-wafer like outside contradicts the soggy ground walnut and dried orange substance. 

TJ’s offers a chocolate covered version of the Lebkuchen Cookies. I am a firm believer that chocolate makes everything better however, this, I believe to be far past the ability of redemption. I advise you to proceed with caution when approaching this monstrosity of a cookie, even if it is laced with chocolate. I assure you it is a poison apple in disguise and unlike Snow White you will be fully awake as you are forced to receive the severe consequences earned by your naive decision to eat strange food.

The final analogy that I can leave you with is this, I firmly conclude that if you were to leave these cookies out for Saint Nick, he would take one bite of the repugnant confection and run. He would, with all the speed an oversized jolly fellow has, hoist himself straight back up the chimney, presents and all, leaving your house gift-less and permanently black-listed from his holiday deliveries for the rest of time. You have been warned. 

Winter Wassail Punch 

Moving on to an item I loathe less, the winter wassail punch did not possess as many faults as the previous item, but it did indeed have its lows. The excessively beverage was infused with far too many Christmas flavors which all fought for dominance and only ended in a burning throat. The punch was slightly better served over ice, and warmed but the difference is not enough for me to crave the drink. In my home, we rate drinks on a scale of frequency. For example, is this an item I could drink once a day, once a week, once a month or once a year? On this scale, I would say once in a lifetime is more than enough and I already tried it, so no need for a round two. 

Jingly Jangly 

The jingle jangle of sleigh bells is the telling chimes that let every Christmas lover know that Santa is indeed on his way, and excitement grows with the promise of presents and cheer. Trader Joe’s Jingle Jangle has captured that magic in their sweet snack that features a variation of chocolatey goodness. From mini peanut butter cups to chocolate covered popcorn, reaching into the bag of yumminess parallels the Christmas morning thrill of surprise. This is the third version in the Jingle Jangle family, specifically the Jingly Jangly stands apart as it comes in a small travel size bag that does not make you feel bad for gorging on the whole thing in one sitting.

German Iced Gingerbread soft spiced cookies 

Simplistically seasonal is what comes to mind when I consume these classic gingerbread cookies. This soft cookie is beautifully made, with a swirling pattern baked into it. The light glaze is not harsh or overbearing but sweetens the spiced confection completing the reminiscent flavor of holiday warmth and cheer. As a personal preference, the cookie would taste even better served with a cold glass of milk. 

Something Spritzy

The Something Spritzy Sparkling Festive Beverage is a tangy soda that encompasses the fruity flavors of the Yuletide season. From grapefruit and cranberry to orange juice, the fruity notes come together to create a bitterness as potent as Scrooge’s. The constant exchange of sweet to bitter convinces your taste buds that one more full sip will bring back the sweet zesty flavor, but then you are left with a tartness that seems to only be cured with another sip. The paradox continues until the can lies empty and you yourself are unsure if you are satisfied. I drank the whole thing, but found I have no need for more. 

All in all, the beloved grocery store has done it again, creating and executing items that broaden the scope of specialty foods they offer throughout the year. I may not have enjoyed every item, but I appreciate the diverse selection and attention to detail that Trader Joe’s has focused on by bringing classic flavors into contemporary items. I would deem this foodie excursion a success!

To read last year’s opinions on TJ’s festive items check out Food Review: Trader Joe’s Christmas Collection.

For more reviews head to The Feather’s Art’s and Entertainment page.